There are things that I’ve done this weekend and that I know a number of other people do, enough to make me think its common place, not individual little foibles, but summint a lot of folk seem to do that make no sense when you think about it.
Is this you as well? Have you observed other examples of common behaviour that’s cracked?
Taking a bath
I start of in a sensible way. Put the plug in. Run the taps. Add some Matey fun time or other such bubbly liquid. Fill the bath to the desired level. Turn off the taps……and then the senseless behaviour starts :-
After a quick swish of the hand I determine its too hot, so I turn on the cold tap and add what I know in my heart of hearts isn’t anywhere near enough, but fuck it, I’m disrobing and getting in no matter what. So over the edge goes the first foot and makes contact…oooofff ! ! ! iitss hhhootttt!…..and out again.
Now it’s at this stage an Ape with minimal training would reach for the cold tap, but a 50 year old bloke with years of experience and a GCSE in woodwork doesn’t and once again raises a red foot and has another dunk. The second dunk is always easier, perhaps the nerve endings are numbed by the first scalding or summint else but anyways the foot generally gets to stay in. Not deterred in the slightest, foot number two comes over the top to join its injured partner…..oooofff !....fuuuuccckk !.....you basssttaarddd !.... and out.
Now we start the Flamingo trot, stand on one leg to keep a foot clear of the water for as long as the submerged one can stand and then all change. Repeat this little jig until both feet are acclimatised, which is a posh way of saying burnt. Even at this stage my brain screams……get out you stupid fucker and run the cold !....but no I’m clearly not listening cos this arse is going down.
Gingerly, for we know what’s coming, we lower the most tender part of our body towards water that is still hotter than the average motorway cup of coffee, which I blow across cos I don’t want to burn me mouth. It touches, it’s lifted up, it touches it’s lifted up, it touches, it’s lifted up. Having dispensed with the Flamingo trot, we are now into the reverse movements of the Mandarin ducks matting dance, arse up, arse down, arse up and arse I know it’s still way too hot cos I’m making little noises…oooohhs…aarrggs…. Ooomphs…along with facial expressions that would win a Gurning contest hands down till eventually, touch down.
The pantomime continues with my back as I lie down, up a bit, down a bit, up a bit down a bit, but…why?
Eating Sherbert Lemons, Rhubarb and Custards or similar
We have an old fashioned sweet shop that still sells sweets from a bygone era, one of my favourites are Sherbert Lemons, not from the newer manufacturers where they come in a sealed plastic / poly bag and are as smooth as a marble, but the old rougher ones with a prominent seam around the middle where the two halves are joined after the sherberts put in. Now these seams are tough and rough and after about six sweets in succession, start to worry the roof of the mouth, after around ten or more they cut it to shreads, but does that deter me? Does it fuck, despite the discomfort, I’m gonna pop some more in. Now I don’t like pain, so why am I going to swap it for discomfort, but I am. In they go, one after the other, this bag gets finished or blood is gonna be spilt, whichever comes first,
Leaving going to the toilet until the last minute
I know well in advance of the act, when I want to go, yet I hang on, despite the availability of a facility. Other less advanced mammals ain’t this thick, they don’t wait until desperation, impending embarrassment and pain make them walk like Hercule Poirot with a groin strain advertising to the world, I’m gonna shit myself if theres a queue, they simply go. Now I will admit that’s once I’ve made it the sense of relief is, to my mind, the best feeling in the world, only to be turned into frustration as you have to put your arm up inside the paper dispenser and chase the end around until the middle of next week, but……why?
Pouring a fizzy drink from a bottle to a glass
Now I’ve a rough grasp of the physics, carbonated drink hits bottom of glass, gases go through rapid expansion, liquid momentarily rises, so why the fuck don’t I learn? Starts off O.K. put some in, let it rise, let it subsi…..no fuck it, lets put some more in, let it rise, let it fuck, tilt that bottle….. all over the soddin counter top, now matter how quick I bend down and slurp like a camel taking in water after a month on the sands, it’s got the beating of me, but…..why?
What things have you seen that you think are daft acts, but probably common?
