Quote by fluff_n_stuff
Well if we're in a tidying mood, men's dangly bits are very untidy and could do with a little pocket or something to live in when not required for sex or peeing.
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davej
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male
Straight Female
0 miles · Hertfordshire
Forum
Sex God
Quote by Missy
A very real and hygenic replacement for the disgusting Hedgehog on a stick.
..... which happens to be very useful to wave and chase kids/partner with if they're being annoying
Sod the 'time out' thing, just wave a toilet brush at em, works a treat :lol:
Useless: Those pin board things made of cork and a million pins to hold notes n takeaway menus on. Great concept - but bluddy useless. Pin one thing on, and ten things fall off. Then spend 5 hours in casualty cos someones trodden on a pin
Useful: When camping in the middle of a pitch black field and have to use the portaloo :shock: As if it's not bad enough you need to use it, but trying to check if there's no wees/poos/muck in there, balance a torch while doing the toilet hover, is near on impossible...... Bring on the life changing device :bounce:
Bluddy brilliant piece of equipment, no more acrobats in the portaloo, can see the food that needs to go on the bbq, can even see if you’re going to have food poisoning or not, cos is shows up if the colour of the meat, rather than guessing
Although does practically give people arc eye when trying to talk to them. You kind of have to speak, but look away from em…….. and don’t laugh and bobble your head around, cos you look like a search light :? Apart from that, just brill :bounce:
Just a thought but wearing it whilst searching for the pins outa your notice board might save you a trip to casualty
Sex God
I was doing the hovering the other day, a task brought on by a performance of the Martyr Dance by Mrs davej. I don’t know if this dance is performed in your home by you or your partner, but for them as don’t know, I think it’s South American in origin because of the sharp staccato movements, rather than the flow of one move into the other thats more common in European dance. It’s full of passion, fire and emotion, a bit like the Lambada and the Flamenco and I think it tells the tale of a woman miffed with her prince.
The setting, in ours at least, is always the same, I’m sat on the sofa reading or watching telly in innocent ignorance of what’s going on around me, when clearly miffed, Mrs davej starts the dance by doing chores with more vigour. The hoover kisses the furniture just that bit harder than normal and the back and forth arm movements are shorter and sharper. The dusting is again more violent with ornaments being snatched from their resting place instead of being lifted and the dusters flicked till it cracks like a whip. The crocks and cutlery in the washing up bowl get a damn good rattling and so on and so forth. The dance basically means I’m not doing what she wanted me to do, even though I don’t know what that is and if only I would ask summint like ‘whats up’ she could then give it me, but I’m not going to say anything, denying her that opening, so the dance goes on.
I think I’ve seen an operatic version as well, it opens with a bloke sat at a table on one side of the stage, dressed in military garb, an 18th century Kings Hussar, smoking a pipe and reading something, when from the other side of the stage a woman appears dressed in maids garb long skirts, clogs, lace apron and cotton bonnet. She starts to sweep the stage floor with her Besom, clattering the furniture as she goes. He sings something at her. She sings something back and on it goes getting louder and louder. It’s a shame he’s from the 18th century and hasn’t got a car to wash, a garage to sit in and the brains to keep quiet, cos that’s my usual defensive move, but he ain’t and it just gets louder and louder.
Now I’ve seen that she is wearing a tabard ( maids garb) and I am wearing combat trousers (military garb) and the similarities are too spooky, so given it’s raining and I can’t wash the car, I head her off at the pass and go get the hoover, get busy, get out of jail free, type of thing, and it’s whilst using the hoover, I think of design.
Our hoover is a Dyson ball and like the advert, it is an improvement on a very old design, it is easier to manoeuvre, they have taken summint we were all reasonably happy with and didn’t think needed much alteration and improved it, so isn’t it time we did the same with the human body, cos whilst the creator had a pretty good stab at it, times have moved on and improvements could be made for today’s living. I’m thinking:-
Shoulders
They slope downwards, some more than others, but downwards they go, not the best shape for carrying bags and lets face it, we all do at some time or other. I think we should have either square shoulders or better still shoulders that slope upwards, thus preventing bags from sliding off. I did at first think a patch of hard rough skin similar to velcro on each one, but that would need the fashion industry to make clothes with exposed shoulders, not ideal in colder climates.
Arms
Lets face it, they are too short and I see no reason why they couldn’t be made longer by a couple of feet. We could all reach the things that we currently struggle with, there is no disadvantage that I can see to having longer arms. I do think we were short changed with the elbow, my wrist moves back and forth, my shoulder does the same, but the joint in between, the elbow, only goes one way, but apart from smoother baton changes in the relay, I couldn’t see a benefit from having an elbow that bends backwards so let it stand.
Feet
For the ladies why not extend the heel by 4 to 5 inches, thus allowing them to wear more comfortable flat shoes whilst still having that elongated look to the leg that stiletto’s currently give. I’m aware that the Olympic committee would have to start again with the womens 100mtr sprint by adding a couple of minutes, but I’m thinking of the vast majority here, the general public, not elite atheletes.
Testicles
placing them side by side is o.k. but I think one behind the other would be better, in tandem if you like. It would reduce the whole sticking to the thigh thing that goes on, requiring periodic seperation, like peeling the damp pages of an excercise book apart. It wouls also help to protect them by making a narrower target against attack from foot, ball, or other object.
Toes
There's too many off em and I reckon we could lose one. All my shoes narrow towards the toe end, causing a slight crushing. The removal of one wouldn't mess with balance too much and free up some room. I'd choose the little toe, starting the other end would cause me flip flops to fall off.
What body parts would you re-design to better suit todays living?
The setting, in ours at least, is always the same, I’m sat on the sofa reading or watching telly in innocent ignorance of what’s going on around me, when clearly miffed, Mrs davej starts the dance by doing chores with more vigour. The hoover kisses the furniture just that bit harder than normal and the back and forth arm movements are shorter and sharper. The dusting is again more violent with ornaments being snatched from their resting place instead of being lifted and the dusters flicked till it cracks like a whip. The crocks and cutlery in the washing up bowl get a damn good rattling and so on and so forth. The dance basically means I’m not doing what she wanted me to do, even though I don’t know what that is and if only I would ask summint like ‘whats up’ she could then give it me, but I’m not going to say anything, denying her that opening, so the dance goes on.
I think I’ve seen an operatic version as well, it opens with a bloke sat at a table on one side of the stage, dressed in military garb, an 18th century Kings Hussar, smoking a pipe and reading something, when from the other side of the stage a woman appears dressed in maids garb long skirts, clogs, lace apron and cotton bonnet. She starts to sweep the stage floor with her Besom, clattering the furniture as she goes. He sings something at her. She sings something back and on it goes getting louder and louder. It’s a shame he’s from the 18th century and hasn’t got a car to wash, a garage to sit in and the brains to keep quiet, cos that’s my usual defensive move, but he ain’t and it just gets louder and louder.
Now I’ve seen that she is wearing a tabard ( maids garb) and I am wearing combat trousers (military garb) and the similarities are too spooky, so given it’s raining and I can’t wash the car, I head her off at the pass and go get the hoover, get busy, get out of jail free, type of thing, and it’s whilst using the hoover, I think of design.
Our hoover is a Dyson ball and like the advert, it is an improvement on a very old design, it is easier to manoeuvre, they have taken summint we were all reasonably happy with and didn’t think needed much alteration and improved it, so isn’t it time we did the same with the human body, cos whilst the creator had a pretty good stab at it, times have moved on and improvements could be made for today’s living. I’m thinking:-
Shoulders
They slope downwards, some more than others, but downwards they go, not the best shape for carrying bags and lets face it, we all do at some time or other. I think we should have either square shoulders or better still shoulders that slope upwards, thus preventing bags from sliding off. I did at first think a patch of hard rough skin similar to velcro on each one, but that would need the fashion industry to make clothes with exposed shoulders, not ideal in colder climates.
Arms
Lets face it, they are too short and I see no reason why they couldn’t be made longer by a couple of feet. We could all reach the things that we currently struggle with, there is no disadvantage that I can see to having longer arms. I do think we were short changed with the elbow, my wrist moves back and forth, my shoulder does the same, but the joint in between, the elbow, only goes one way, but apart from smoother baton changes in the relay, I couldn’t see a benefit from having an elbow that bends backwards so let it stand.
Feet
For the ladies why not extend the heel by 4 to 5 inches, thus allowing them to wear more comfortable flat shoes whilst still having that elongated look to the leg that stiletto’s currently give. I’m aware that the Olympic committee would have to start again with the womens 100mtr sprint by adding a couple of minutes, but I’m thinking of the vast majority here, the general public, not elite atheletes.
Testicles
placing them side by side is o.k. but I think one behind the other would be better, in tandem if you like. It would reduce the whole sticking to the thigh thing that goes on, requiring periodic seperation, like peeling the damp pages of an excercise book apart. It wouls also help to protect them by making a narrower target against attack from foot, ball, or other object.
Toes
There's too many off em and I reckon we could lose one. All my shoes narrow towards the toe end, causing a slight crushing. The removal of one wouldn't mess with balance too much and free up some room. I'd choose the little toe, starting the other end would cause me flip flops to fall off.
What body parts would you re-design to better suit todays living?
Sex God
Quote by Missy
I'd like to think that Nokia and the like got their ideas when they saw me and my brother with two plastic cups on the end of a very long piece of string, but it's doubtfull, so no, I've nearly invented, fuck all.
Hmmmm Good point Dave :undecided:
I should be getting royalties for walking round on a couple of baked bean tins with string. Pay a fortune in toy shops these days. Nowts changed from my design, just that they don't have Heinz written down the sides
Nope still much the same last ones I saw, plastic cup / bucket things instead of the bean tin and a risk assessment form for 'playing at height'
:kiss: Sex God
Quote by Cherrytree
And - a machine, maybe in the gym, where non-swimmers can learn the swimming moves without risk of drowning, before they actually get into the water.
You would lie down on your front, and things would be attached at various points on your body, and you would follow a screen infront that would show if you were doing enough to stay afloat.
When you're totally confident, you can enter the water and Bob's your uncle!
My kids kinda did this in shops when they were young and couldn't have what they wanted, looked and sounded like they were drowning what with the thrashing around. I'll admit I didn't think of the potential of taking it to the next level at the time, I just wandered off and hoped they would get up and follow.
Sex God
What a nice post Missy I've been able to run that as a video type of thingy in my head.
Your right about the saddles, useless poxy things, they look about right for them as ride around in purpose made lycra and matching head gear. Well defined muscles being enhanced by the tight fitting garments and the ardour of the task. Faces taught with determination and sinew, but for someone wearing comfort fit jeans, flip flops, a Fruit of the Loom sweat top and a ruddy complexion with a fag dangling outa the corner of his mouth, summint along the lines of the old fashioned bucket seats found on tractors would be more suitable.
Dunno about the cars getting faster, on account of me getting slower, can't work it out see, I mean if I'm 50% slower than I was, then it figures the cars are gonna seem as though they are 50% faster. I'm pretty sure that I'm going slower cos whilst I did pass my neighbour pushing her kid in it's buggy, I was still able to exchange enough words with her as to be counted as a conversation.
Your right about the saddles, useless poxy things, they look about right for them as ride around in purpose made lycra and matching head gear. Well defined muscles being enhanced by the tight fitting garments and the ardour of the task. Faces taught with determination and sinew, but for someone wearing comfort fit jeans, flip flops, a Fruit of the Loom sweat top and a ruddy complexion with a fag dangling outa the corner of his mouth, summint along the lines of the old fashioned bucket seats found on tractors would be more suitable.
Dunno about the cars getting faster, on account of me getting slower, can't work it out see, I mean if I'm 50% slower than I was, then it figures the cars are gonna seem as though they are 50% faster
. I'm pretty sure that I'm going slower cos whilst I did pass my neighbour pushing her kid in it's buggy, I was still able to exchange enough words with her as to be counted as a conversation. Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
Who would be the Don/godfather :shock:
Oh, Mr Davej Sir has had that position sewn up for some time. Believe it was Easy who first tipped me off to his secret identity. ((( That's like a little disclaimer to make sure I'm not taking all the blame meself when dave reads this! ;) ))). Find any post by davej, check his profile, then go and tell me they ain't the same man! Didn't even bother disguising his first name FFS!
N x x x ;)
I don't wanna be a Don, it's short for Donald and I know what that would bring. Folk shouting across the street 'Where's yer trousers' Waiters in restuarants coming up to me and saying 'here's your bill sir' with a snide smile on their faces. Kids walking behind me with a waddle and asking if I can bring Mickey with me next time. No thanks it's either Dave or Wayne, nothing else will do.
Sex God
Quote by Resonance
Should I ask a trained nurse to pop in to keep an eye on all the old timers?
Just to be on the safe side?
Old timers is about right, I've met most of em in person, give them a comfy Chesterfield sofa, a tea pot and some custard creams and they won't leave. They are good company if you can set aside the ever present odour of TCP.
Sex God
Today I did something that I havn't done in 35 years or more and climbed aboard a bicycle and found it slightly scary.
In years gone by I would have set it in motion by hopping alongside it with me left foot on the nearside pedal set on the down stroke, sling me right leg over and be on board whilst moving, today i set it aside the curb, climbed on with it stationary and with the far side pedal set at the high point and set off with a wobble.
I rode at a very slow pace off the estate and whilst it wasn't all plain sailing...having a selection of gears on each grip and no recollection of reading any instructions threw an odd spanner in the works... I made it to the main road. In years past I would have speed around the corner with a frightening lean, to merge with the traffic, before glancing over my shoulder and slinging it in the other direction to cross the road and bump it up the curb outside the shop, today I dismounted, walked to the pelican crossing and waited for the, beep beep, so I could cross safely, on foot, pushing the sleek racing machine by my side.
I know that it will come back to me if I persist, but it was slightly scary. I'm dreading the grand kids wanting grandad to climb a tree with em, or paddle a tractor inner tube across a deep river cos I can see those being slightly scary as well.
Have you done anything of late that you did without thought or worry years ago, but proved to be more nerve racking than you anticipated?
In years gone by I would have set it in motion by hopping alongside it with me left foot on the nearside pedal set on the down stroke, sling me right leg over and be on board whilst moving, today i set it aside the curb, climbed on with it stationary and with the far side pedal set at the high point and set off with a wobble.
I rode at a very slow pace off the estate and whilst it wasn't all plain sailing...having a selection of gears on each grip and no recollection of reading any instructions threw an odd spanner in the works... I made it to the main road. In years past I would have speed around the corner with a frightening lean, to merge with the traffic, before glancing over my shoulder and slinging it in the other direction to cross the road and bump it up the curb outside the shop, today I dismounted, walked to the pelican crossing and waited for the, beep beep, so I could cross safely, on foot, pushing the sleek racing machine by my side.
I know that it will come back to me if I persist, but it was slightly scary. I'm dreading the grand kids wanting grandad to climb a tree with em, or paddle a tractor inner tube across a deep river cos I can see those being slightly scary as well.
Have you done anything of late that you did without thought or worry years ago, but proved to be more nerve racking than you anticipated?
Sex God
I do a lot of things with the browse of a website and the stroke of a key, that would previousely have required me to leave the house and interact with another human. I order my groceries, buy all sorts of goods, arrange finances and services and whilst I don't, some folk generate an income from within the confines of their own home.
With the need to leave our homes reducing, does that lead to a reduction in social skills? Sure we can communicate faster and with more options than before, but most of that is done remotely, we don't see the body language, the facial expression, the tone in a voice, emotions that we rely on to understand a meaning, some of that'll change with improved video calling etc, but is it the same?
Is there already a reduction in our ability to interact as the need diminishes. Is there a danger that a reduction in social skills, if there is one, will increase and accelerate leading us to retreat further into our hi tech caves, thereby exasperating things further, or do we still have, and will have in X amount of years time, enough interaction to more or less chug on as we do now?
With the need to leave our homes reducing, does that lead to a reduction in social skills? Sure we can communicate faster and with more options than before, but most of that is done remotely, we don't see the body language, the facial expression, the tone in a voice, emotions that we rely on to understand a meaning, some of that'll change with improved video calling etc, but is it the same?
Is there already a reduction in our ability to interact as the need diminishes. Is there a danger that a reduction in social skills, if there is one, will increase and accelerate leading us to retreat further into our hi tech caves, thereby exasperating things further, or do we still have, and will have in X amount of years time, enough interaction to more or less chug on as we do now?
Sex God
Anything with Jack Hargreaves presenting it. If your too young to remember Jack, he eventually ended up presenting yer country file type of programmes. Normally with a set that looked like the inside of a potting shed, Jack would rustle up a Mole mince and wild Radish stew whilst fly fishing for trout and checking to see if the wild Badgers on the estate were flourishing...think he did that by regularly checking their temperatures and charting it useing old methods such as tapeing the thermometer to their nose and spreading honey on their arse, it was a bit hit and miss but eventually they would insert it themselves allowing Jack time to fix the wheel of a broken cart, although I mighta made that up .
Jack had the sort of voice that was just right for the subject, it kinda meandered through the script, a bit like a river, seemed lazy, but you knew it had a purpose and was going somewhere, it was a voice you believed had done all of the things he was presenting long before showing them on the telly. I liked Jack.
.Jack had the sort of voice that was just right for the subject, it kinda meandered through the script, a bit like a river, seemed lazy, but you knew it had a purpose and was going somewhere, it was a voice you believed had done all of the things he was presenting long before showing them on the telly. I liked Jack.
Sex God
ooh another one that probably applies to a big wedge of the population, or at least those that are nail biters. You find a nail that needs a nibble and clench a bit in your teeth, tearing across until you get to the other side of the finger. Now its at this point you realise you've not torn it in a straigtish line and that you've gone down further than you intended, the next move being down the side of the finger, so bite it off and call it a day, but you don't do you. Nope, first you sit and worry that little bit of nail with yer thumb for half hour or so, you shouldn't, but it gets into yer brain like a strap line in an advert, or a tune just played on the radio...mines the compare the market dot com one, I've started talking like the poxy meerkat...and you just have to go back to it, and despite your brain telling you it's going to hurt like hell, you still clamp on again and rip it down the side of the finger...why?
Sex God
Quote by fem_4_taboo
i never realised how easy it is to make poridge, i probally dont do it the correct way, but oats in a bowl, add milk, bung in microwave 2 mins jobs done.
Near enough fem, I tend to give it 3 mins on account of the timer being wafty and then clean up the inside of the microwave afterwards.
Sex God
From what I've seen it would have the opposite effect, spot splatting used to be a very private affair, but these days my nieces and nephews happily gather together with their freinds to attack each others zonkers even filming the event with their phones so they can MMS it to others.
Sex God
Quote by easy
*looks at Neil then takes Gem to one side*
OK I recommend Easy's one-stop chemical facial peel, kettle de-scaler and toilet un-blocker. Available from all good DIY chains for £9:99 for 5 litres. Just make sure he's either passed out or tied to the bed before you apply it and it's best to cover the smoke alarms with something and open a window or two ..... wide, because of the smoke. ;) :uhoh:
:rotflmao: Sex God
They can be an invention, a product, social change, just one or two of each, but what for you is usefull and useless and why?
useless...the scart lead.
I want to meet the twat who invented this piece of crap, not for the idea of a cable that can carry more pieces of information, but for a fitting on either end that falls out of the appliance if you so much as sneeze near it, fucking useless without a doubt.
usefull...the toilet duck pad cleaner.
This little plastic wand has a trigger on it, that opens and shuts some jaws at it's end, into which you insert a small cleaning pad which you then release into the toilet bowl once you've cleaned it. A very real and hygenic replacement for the disgusting Hedgehog on a stick.
useless...the scart lead.
I want to meet the twat who invented this piece of crap, not for the idea of a cable that can carry more pieces of information, but for a fitting on either end that falls out of the appliance if you so much as sneeze near it, fucking useless without a doubt.
usefull...the toilet duck pad cleaner.
This little plastic wand has a trigger on it, that opens and shuts some jaws at it's end, into which you insert a small cleaning pad which you then release into the toilet bowl once you've cleaned it. A very real and hygenic replacement for the disgusting Hedgehog on a stick.
Sex God
We have all seen the designated parking bays in car parks and the symbols that are painted in them denoting their intended use. The adult with child in hand for parent and toddlers and the wheel chair for the disabled, both probably needed, all though I've no idea why the mother and toddler need to be in close proximity to the front door, but I see why the space needs to be wider, what with the need to open the door to its fullest in order to get the child in and out of the seat and faff around with all sorts of crap, but is there not now a need for other designated bays?
I'm thinking perhaps some with an image of the Honey Monster in them,as a representation of the fat lazy, generally middle aged fuckers, who use the afore mentioned bays despite their only disability being an inability to walk past a burger bar and a chocolate display without making a purchase.
Perhaps some with the image of a baseball cap in it for the truculant youth, with the 'I don't care' stride and strut.
Ones with an image of a man in a suit with the lines painted at a an angle to the others for the 'I'm in a hurry business man' who must throw it into the bay at a cockish angle.
Do you see the need for further designated bays for us? who needs them and what symbol should denote their use?
I'm thinking perhaps some with an image of the Honey Monster in them,as a representation of the fat lazy, generally middle aged fuckers, who use the afore mentioned bays despite their only disability being an inability to walk past a burger bar and a chocolate display without making a purchase.
Perhaps some with the image of a baseball cap in it for the truculant youth, with the 'I don't care' stride and strut.
Ones with an image of a man in a suit with the lines painted at a an angle to the others for the 'I'm in a hurry business man' who must throw it into the bay at a cockish angle.
Do you see the need for further designated bays for us? who needs them and what symbol should denote their use?
Sex God
Do you daydream? I do, not the looking outa the window and getting lost in a few minutes of nothingness, but proper daydreaming.
There’s the common one of winning the lottery, how you would spend it, where you’d live etc, but I dream others.
I’ve strode the fairways as a top ranked golfer, taking in the adulation of the crowd, mesmerising them with impossible shots, competing at the highest level and winning.
I’ve been a rock star, filling an auditorium with an audience, seeing them on their feet dancing, being whisked in and out of the stadium in cars with blacked out widows and demanding and getting Tuna sandwiches served by spoon playing dwarfs in my dressing room.
I’ve ridden the range on a horse called Malcolm, become the sheriff and bought peace and prosperity to the good folk.
I’ve been back to visit King Aurthers time, to live amongst the people, showing them modern things of awe, lighters, torches, matches, the Argos catalogue, and things not so good such as scart leads, TCP and blue stripe cola.
I know it’s not a secret yearning for a different life, or a more fulfilling one, as my life is, what I want it to be, I have fun and excitement, I complete jigsaws without the box lid and leave tailors dummies in woods with my number on them just to hear the words ‘At first I thought it was a body’ for a change. It’s not a yearning to live in bygone times as I always take a road container full of stores, weapons, medicines, hygiene and sanitisation products to ease my dream, but dream I do. Do you?
There’s the common one of winning the lottery, how you would spend it, where you’d live etc, but I dream others.
I’ve strode the fairways as a top ranked golfer, taking in the adulation of the crowd, mesmerising them with impossible shots, competing at the highest level and winning.
I’ve been a rock star, filling an auditorium with an audience, seeing them on their feet dancing, being whisked in and out of the stadium in cars with blacked out widows and demanding and getting Tuna sandwiches served by spoon playing dwarfs in my dressing room.
I’ve ridden the range on a horse called Malcolm, become the sheriff and bought peace and prosperity to the good folk.
I’ve been back to visit King Aurthers time, to live amongst the people, showing them modern things of awe, lighters, torches, matches, the Argos catalogue, and things not so good such as scart leads, TCP and blue stripe cola.
I know it’s not a secret yearning for a different life, or a more fulfilling one, as my life is, what I want it to be, I have fun and excitement, I complete jigsaws without the box lid and leave tailors dummies in woods with my number on them just to hear the words ‘At first I thought it was a body’ for a change. It’s not a yearning to live in bygone times as I always take a road container full of stores, weapons, medicines, hygiene and sanitisation products to ease my dream, but dream I do. Do you?
