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davej
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male
Straight Female
0 miles · Hertfordshire
Forum
Sex God
I find humour / telling a story / telling a joke on here and other forums way more difficult than doing it with a live audiance. There is so much missing, the raised eyebrow, the tilt of the head, a hand gesture, a tone to the voice or accentuation of key words,in my mind, crucial to setting the tone and meaning of the words. It's those gestures, missing in written form, that give the listener clues as to the intent. We have emotes that can be slotted in to a post that helps, but thats very basic and no substitute for body language. I do think there are things that are no go, but thats difficult to pigeon hole and say this subject is , today tomorrow and forever, as they are moving targets, death, disability and disaster might not be up for grabs today but might be tomorrow depending on whats going on at the time, if that makes any sense.
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
Oh, probably been caught playing away that one. A mullet up the jacksy was a favourite punishment for adultery once upon a time. Not sure that they froze 'em in ancient Athens, what with freezers not being invented yet, but I can see how that would make the whole insertion of a rather floppy and slippery fish thing that bit easier once the rigor mortis had worn off. *winces* In the absence of mullets, unfeasably large raddishes made an acceptable, and no doubt equally eye-watering subsitute. :shock:
N x x x ;)
That is the fish mullet and not the hair style mullet isnt it? cos a mullet wearing head should only ever be inserted into the arse of the bloke who is wearing it, just aint fair to stick it up an adulterer.
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: Missy I coud have put most of that in my letter as well, accept for Orville, never done Orville, been Batman and been a Roman centurion, pretend Roman centurions should always stand up, cos when they sit down and forget their wearing a short skirt thingy they cross their legs and expose their shreddies in ignorant bliss.
I wish I could fly right up to the sky but I can't :karaoke: ....I can't...
:rotflmao:
Sex God
Dear Davej, your fast approaching the time to leave school and step out into the world and make your own way and whilst I don’t want to give you an idea of the future so that you can benefit from discovering it yourself, I can say that if you tear this letter up now, you won’t go far wrong. You are going to be incredibly lucky in life and love and the older you get, the more you will realise this. You will always want for things but temper that with the thoughts of what you’ve got because it’s pretty damn good.
So given that life is going to be good for you what else can I tell you, nothing much, just a few pointers.
The friends you have now will, for the most part be your friends for years to come, they will move away and start their own families, but you’ll all get together periodically, as families and now and gain just as mates for card nights round each others homes and golfing breaks abroad, when you do, try and drink less. You will find that your capacity for drink is poor and will always send you into deep sleeps. Those sleeps will become the prime opportunity for your friends to get their own back on anything you’ve done to them in the past.
You won’t know what super glue and a Nokia is at the moment, they haven’t been invented, but they will be. Super glue is a very strong adhesive that sticks fuck all together as the advert claims other than skin. A Nokia is a telephone that has no wires, you’ll carry it around with you. By applying super glue to the back of the Nokia and it’s control buttons and then placing it onto the top of your head whilst your asleep and then constantly ringing you, your friends will have something they can tell their families about for years. Nokia have their own signature tune that serves well in your pocket, but only annoys if its coming from the top of your head. It won’t be a major thing and drowning the Nokia will eventually silence it and after a couple of hours, remove it from your bonce, but you will be left with flaky looking skin and a reddish rash for a while.
The finger painting of the words ‘hello sexy’ on your forehead with sun block, on the first day in Portugal after an afternoons drinking and sleeping by the pool, again won’t be life threatening and for the most part won’t spoil your trip as you can cover it with a hat until the sun blends it all in, however some establishments that you want to visit will have to wait as they ban head wear in the evenings.
The clipping of the family pet in stripe patterns with a set of Whal hair clippers won’t be so funny, you might have been drunk and asleep at the time, but it was in your own home and you will be deemed responsible because of that. Don’t fret about it, a clipped Labrador isn’t hurt or embarrassed by it, but folk will look at you as if you are some kind of sadistic torturer until it’s grown back.
Fire and heat won’t be kind to you, but don’t alter your life to avoid it, damage and injury will be minimal, don’t put your life on hold because of it, just try to remember that towels and bedside lamps should never come into contact, especially when it’s done deliberately, your aim of creating a more subdued lighting effect will work, but a sixty watt bulb is a heat source and a towel is a flammable object, if left unattended they will ignite.
Towelling dressing gowns and flame should never come into contact so try not to lean against a gas hob whilst wearing one, you will ‘flash over’ don’t worry, it will be a violent fireball that engulfs you quicker than you can spit, but once the faceing of the gown has flashed over it will extinguish itself.
Night lights or tea lights are small candles set into thin metal containers, they will be made en-masse in China, you’ll know this because they will stamp the words ‘made in China’ on the base of each one. They will be sold in boxes of twelve and if set out in a room, can give a much more romantic feel to it, but a word of warning, read the back of the box because on there, it will tell you to place these candles on a heat resistant base, not directly onto the furniture as the metal containers get very very hot and if left long enough, will burn down into the furniture by as much as 1mm and leaving a nice circular pattern on your best oak with the words ‘made in China’ clearly visible. You will be able to cover most of them will other household objects, telephones, ornaments, magazines etc, but the layout won’t be the same and furniture is expensive.
Finally, you will continue to use pencils through your life so stop wondering how they get the lead into them, its not important and will do your head in.
All my best Davej.
So given that life is going to be good for you what else can I tell you, nothing much, just a few pointers.
The friends you have now will, for the most part be your friends for years to come, they will move away and start their own families, but you’ll all get together periodically, as families and now and gain just as mates for card nights round each others homes and golfing breaks abroad, when you do, try and drink less. You will find that your capacity for drink is poor and will always send you into deep sleeps. Those sleeps will become the prime opportunity for your friends to get their own back on anything you’ve done to them in the past.
You won’t know what super glue and a Nokia is at the moment, they haven’t been invented, but they will be. Super glue is a very strong adhesive that sticks fuck all together as the advert claims other than skin. A Nokia is a telephone that has no wires, you’ll carry it around with you. By applying super glue to the back of the Nokia and it’s control buttons and then placing it onto the top of your head whilst your asleep and then constantly ringing you, your friends will have something they can tell their families about for years. Nokia have their own signature tune that serves well in your pocket, but only annoys if its coming from the top of your head. It won’t be a major thing and drowning the Nokia will eventually silence it and after a couple of hours, remove it from your bonce, but you will be left with flaky looking skin and a reddish rash for a while.
The finger painting of the words ‘hello sexy’ on your forehead with sun block, on the first day in Portugal after an afternoons drinking and sleeping by the pool, again won’t be life threatening and for the most part won’t spoil your trip as you can cover it with a hat until the sun blends it all in, however some establishments that you want to visit will have to wait as they ban head wear in the evenings.
The clipping of the family pet in stripe patterns with a set of Whal hair clippers won’t be so funny, you might have been drunk and asleep at the time, but it was in your own home and you will be deemed responsible because of that. Don’t fret about it, a clipped Labrador isn’t hurt or embarrassed by it, but folk will look at you as if you are some kind of sadistic torturer until it’s grown back.
Fire and heat won’t be kind to you, but don’t alter your life to avoid it, damage and injury will be minimal, don’t put your life on hold because of it, just try to remember that towels and bedside lamps should never come into contact, especially when it’s done deliberately, your aim of creating a more subdued lighting effect will work, but a sixty watt bulb is a heat source and a towel is a flammable object, if left unattended they will ignite.
Towelling dressing gowns and flame should never come into contact so try not to lean against a gas hob whilst wearing one, you will ‘flash over’ don’t worry, it will be a violent fireball that engulfs you quicker than you can spit, but once the faceing of the gown has flashed over it will extinguish itself.
Night lights or tea lights are small candles set into thin metal containers, they will be made en-masse in China, you’ll know this because they will stamp the words ‘made in China’ on the base of each one. They will be sold in boxes of twelve and if set out in a room, can give a much more romantic feel to it, but a word of warning, read the back of the box because on there, it will tell you to place these candles on a heat resistant base, not directly onto the furniture as the metal containers get very very hot and if left long enough, will burn down into the furniture by as much as 1mm and leaving a nice circular pattern on your best oak with the words ‘made in China’ clearly visible. You will be able to cover most of them will other household objects, telephones, ornaments, magazines etc, but the layout won’t be the same and furniture is expensive.
Finally, you will continue to use pencils through your life so stop wondering how they get the lead into them, its not important and will do your head in.
All my best Davej.
Sex God
Quote by Missy
Slightly different tack....
Candy floss :shock:
Put a football size lump in your mouth.....
Hit's your tongue and hey presto, where did it go??? :shock: Gone, disappeared :confused: All you got to show for your is a wooden stick and a bit of fluff on your eyelashes
Wotsits are similar - even the cat looks confused when she eats one
Candy floss is fog missy, fog on a stick, cos yor right, put it in your mouth and, bingo :shock:
it's not there :crazy:
If you look in the bowl when you buy it, it's not in there either, nope, nothing, zilch, he sticks his stick in an empty bowl, pulls it out and it's got summnt on it, that why I reckon it's fog, Cos lets face it, you can see fog, but you can't feel it. I know it's pink and all that, but I reckons the geezer chucks a bit of pink fairy dust into his bowl when your not looking to give the fog some colour and make it visible, else you wouldn't pay him any money.
See I get up early in the morning and there's often one of them ballons fly over the house, one of them with people in a basket underneath, the ones we always wave too, never wave at any other stranger I see, only ballon people. Anyways these ballon people are fog catchers, thats why they go out early in the morning, best time to catch fog. They catch it in big nets over fields cos they can fly lower over fields and then let it out into the ballon, thats what the ballon is, it's a barn for holding fog. When they have filled their ballon they land and sell it to the candy floss man.
...the candy floss man mixes it with love and makes the world taste good ... :karaoke: ...the candy floss man...oh the candy floss man :karaoke:
Thats what they mean in the song, he mixes fog and fairy dust with a little bit o love and bingo, what you couldn't see before, you now can, he gets £4, you get to taste some love, looks pink and fluffy, but aint really there.
and...and... in case further proof is needed, some folk think ballons are a mode of transport, but their wrong. If it's transport, it would go from A to B, no messin, but ballons don't, they might go from B to A, or Q to P, they follow the fog.
When do you buy the most candy floss? summer thats when and when do you see ballons, when its warm, in the summer.
And if you was asked to impersonate a fog noise, you would firstly hide behind the sofa, cos it's there but not there and make the same noise as a ballon, not a bark, a meow, an oink or a moo, but a thssssssht... sound, just like fog being released into the ballon. :smug:
Any fog thats not caught, escapes and makes them fluffy white clouds and when they get too heavy, they fall down from the sky and the gnomes go out, cut into them with pastry cutters and thats where meringue halves come from. Meringues are thicker, so take a bit longer, but dissapear in your mouth in a similar way, because clouds are just lumpy fog.
Sex God
Join the queue at the till with my sandwich and bottle of water, but not get the money out till the point of purchase and only then rummage around in my purse for the coins.
Keep a shoe box full of special memories stuff, the odd card, a cork from a bottle, an old easter egg wrapper etc.
Wait till I'm at the front door with shoes and coat on and then say 'I think I will try and go' and dissapear back indoors.
Always carry a stamp and some sweeteners.
Keep a shoe box full of special memories stuff, the odd card, a cork from a bottle, an old easter egg wrapper etc.
Wait till I'm at the front door with shoes and coat on and then say 'I think I will try and go' and dissapear back indoors.
Always carry a stamp and some sweeteners.
Sex God
Quote by __random_orbit__admit it... you do already. And you're rarely out of the haberdashers.
Look through the Argos catalogue for some new tab top curtains and matching cushion covers.
lp
A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do....or is that a womans gotta...see it's working can't make me mind up.
Sex God
Quote by Ms_Whips
did your mum never tell you she had eyes in the back of her head then? i thought this was a common thing amongst mums when asked just how they knew what you were doing lol
whips
Now as it 'appens Ms whips, she did :shock: I always thought it was the neighbours bubbling me. Mind you, she also told me a vinegar water rinse would make me hair shine, smelt like a chip shop for the first 14 years of me life, never had a girlfriend, just kept getting followed home by stray dogs.
Sex God
Quote by splendid_
cup a soups are just wrong.
Soup is for eating out of a bowl with a spoon. I can not ever ever ever drink a soup out of a cup. The closest I have come is using a spoon in a cup to eat the soup
I'm similar, clearly the vessel and the implement dictate whether we are eating or drinking...and now I've broken the handle on my cup which leaves me in a dilema, because I guess it's now a bowl and I don't know if that means I should throw the spoon away.
Sex God
Quote by Missy
(Am crying here with the plaster over the asshole for better suction
The idea for that came from when I was trying to smoke a lower tar cigerette and went for the Sik Cut low tar, was the only way I could draw hard enough to get any smoke from it. Gave it up and went back to Embassy on account of finding a tobacconist and pharmacist next door to each other difficult.
Sex God
Thick shakes can be a puzzle as well cos for the most part I drink em through a straw, but on the occasion where it's too thick to suck up the straw without a sticking plaster over my arsehole, I remove the lid, hold the straw further down in my hand and scoop it out, it's at that stage that I revert to eating it.
Sex God
Quote by Dirtygirly
Are you pair sitting in the same random retirement lounge?! :giggle:
Is this what happens when you give it all up?!
Nearer the truth than you would imagine at this end, anyways I've read through the other threads, hurt myself trying to insert the base of a victorian brass bedside lamp into my rectum :shock: and figured soup was a safer option. :smug:
Do you have any pics of that then?! :giggle:
Could have done D.G. if only I hadn't shelved me plans for an elbow that can bend in the other direction from another thread, but with me body as it is, I can't reach.
Sex God
Quote by Missy
....and don't even twizzle yer brain with an ice lolly cos provided you only lick it or suck it your niether drinking or eating...
see confusing.
Slightly different tack....
Candy floss :shock:
Put a football size lump in your mouth.....
Hit's your tongue and hey presto, where did it go??? :shock: Gone, disappeared :confused: All you got to show for your is a wooden stick and a bit of fluff on your eyelashes
Wotsits are similar - even the cat looks confused when she eats one
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: the confused cat got to me.
Sex God
Quote by Dirtygirly
Are you pair sitting in the same random retirement lounge?! :giggle:
Is this what happens when you give it all up?!
Nearer the truth than you would imagine at this end, anyways I've read through the other threads, hurt myself trying to insert the base of a victorian brass bedside lamp into my rectum :shock: and figured soup was a safer option. :smug:
Sex God
Quote by Missy
Overrated stuff is soup
Reckon it was only invented so people could get rid of their stale bread and at the same time sound exotic :?
Croutons - wtf? :confused:
They go all soggy if you don't eat em within seconds :shock:
Can't understand why they make em so small and why they can't put them in a seperate packet, withing the main packaging. Time I've picked em out, lined em up on the side of the plate, it seems hardly worth the burnt fingers trying to dunk em.
Sex God
See, now I did consider doing something with the eyes, gotta admit I didn't think about adding additional ones, but did consider moving em around to the side a bit more so we could see behing us, bit like a Chameleon, but figured that most women would get the ump if they had to have a fringe that extended back well past their ears to see. I guess a good option would be to extend the range of the neck so we could turn our heads round to face the opposite way. It's better than just being able to glance over our shoulder, but not a radical change.
Sex God
Useless
The glass door on me microwave, or the strength of the light inside, dunno which is to blame can't see through it cos of the clear / obscured weave pattern on it, result being that anything that wants to rise up outa the container and can't be controlled on the timer cos the cooking time can vary slightly, can do.
Usefull
A lamp that just needs a touch to it's base to turn it on and off, way better than having to break me arm in two places with a mallet to reach up inside it to find them silly little switches. Having the mallet on the bedside cabinet took up all the room needed for my coffee cup.
The glass door on me microwave, or the strength of the light inside, dunno which is to blame
can't see through it cos of the clear / obscured weave pattern on it, result being that anything that wants to rise up outa the container and can't be controlled on the timer cos the cooking time can vary slightly, can do.Usefull
A lamp that just needs a touch to it's base to turn it on and off, way better than having to break me arm in two places with a mallet to reach up inside it to find them silly little switches. Having the mallet on the bedside cabinet took up all the room needed for my coffee cup.
Sex God
:rotflmao: Oooh missy, I used to do an extended version of the Jumper aria only mine eminated outa Russia and was called the Stormoff, started just like your Davids and finished with a slam of the front door. I don't do it anymore cause me freinds have moved away and I've nowhere to go, just standing outside in the rain aint got the same effect and just looks stupid.
:rotflmao:
