Quote by redstilletto
have a lovely birthday lovecommando
Hello babes...where you been xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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melons
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Female, 53
0 miles · Merseyside
Forum
Orgasminator
Quote by Lovecommando
I would just like to apologise to anyone I may have upset and especially to the Funk for my strong words last night. I responded to the thread title in a rash manner and in retrospect I would have worded it differently. It was just a comment I made in passing about an issue I feel concerened about and how it affects the forum. It was a rant and I felt the need to let off some steam. The way I initially approached the subject was very out of character for me, but in truth I am not my good self at the moment. Must be the weather.
I sincerely hope the Funk will contine to post and I have sent him a PM.
Hopefully normal sevice will resume ASAP.
LC
Oh LC -
Orgasminator
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Orgasminator
Quote by Heather
Personally, I don't like to be stuffed in any kind of box.... not that you'd find one easy to fit me.:lol:
I find the idea of any kind of segregation unattractive. At this level - the public forum level - the one thing that unites us is our lifestyle. 'We' have plenty of barriers against us whether it be fending off the religious zealots, the "If you swing you can't be in love" brigade, the Marj Proops' who reckon we will all wake up to find bits have rotted and fallen off in the middle of the night.... Once we have struck up offlist conversations or arranged meets, THEN is the time to start finding out if the other person is attracted to us and vice versa..
And I'd just like to say some of my best pals from this site I couldn't fancy even if they came with Nectar points. And I'm sure some of you guys feel the same about me... that doesn't stop you being thoroughly good guys who a lady is prevelidged to get slaughtered with.
I won't be going anywhere near a BBW site because I know I am gauranteed to bump into a freak who will try to use my weight to control me.
Hxx
Well said...... dont suppose you fancy taking over Tony Blairs job...... well done - I totally agree with you
Orgasminator
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.
############################
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. Guilt and the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: .............. Dave, you're a vet".
###################################
Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car
pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up
to the door and knocks on his window. The lorry driver lowers the window
and the woman says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from
your lorry" The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as
the lights change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of
lights, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower
it and as if it never happened says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're
losing your load from your lorry" He again rolls his eyes and pulls away
as the lights change.....once again he gets caught by the lights and he
sees her running up once more. She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again
she comes out with: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from
your lorry" He says something rather rude under his breath and roars
away from the lights shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the
next set of lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind
him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to
her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: "Hi, my
name's Dave, and I'm driving a gritter"
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.
############################
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. Guilt and the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering: .............. Dave, you're a vet".
###################################
Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car
pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up
to the door and knocks on his window. The lorry driver lowers the window
and the woman says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from
your lorry" The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as
the lights change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of
lights, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower
it and as if it never happened says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're
losing your load from your lorry" He again rolls his eyes and pulls away
as the lights change.....once again he gets caught by the lights and he
sees her running up once more. She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again
she comes out with: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from
your lorry" He says something rather rude under his breath and roars
away from the lights shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the
next set of lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind
him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to
her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: "Hi, my
name's Dave, and I'm driving a gritter"
Orgasminator
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toy
laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the
Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2
men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the
Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2
men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Orgasminator
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you
get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull
into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
The cabbie replies, "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my
name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you
get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull
into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
The cabbie replies, "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my
name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
