Been a keen gardener all my life: but only ONCE have I almost died....of fright!!
..I was digging up spuds ready to store them for winter. A cold day, so I had a big loose jumper on. Stopped to rest my back and noticed a small hole in one of the rows...interesting I thought, probably left by old moley popping his snout out for a sniff, as they do sometimes. So, I carried on,stick fork in, turn, put hand in to roots spuds out..etcetc...then I got to where the hole was, stuck fork in, turned, put hand in to root out...shaft me blind with a number nine bus...a nest of Field Mice!! running every which way--including one little bugger that ran straight up the arm of my woolly pully and down my shirt!! Absaloutely true. I felt the little thing pissing over my chest in terror-funny thing was, I was probably more terrified than him. Whacked lumps out of my torso as I felt the little sod scurrying round my my shirt off, and the damned thing was wedged in my belt. hoiked him out by the tail and lobbed him...lord knows where.
I'll never forget it..a big 16 stone country lad screaming in terror and being pissed all over by a 3 inch mouse!!
I'm now very wary of small holes in the garden...
A
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Dear Alex
Hope you are well. I just thought I'd say hello and let you know how the court case went.
Well, I've never been to court before so I didn't know what to expect. It started fairly well, the police chaps were very friendly -they seemed to be smiling and chuckling all the time. I said to the Sargeant chap,'You must love your work?'. He said that it was people like me that made some days more memorable than others....now wasn't that nice of him
He laughed even more when I gave him the nail file you must have accidentally dropped in the (lovely) cake you sent....(you know Alex, you really should be more careful, that could have damaged my teeth).
Anyway, breakfast was nice-porridge, my favourite. They took me to the court in an old van thing...guess what..it broke down. They laughed ever such a lot when I offered to mend it...simple really, just an airlock in the lift pump-just like my old Land Rover. I soon had us underway again. They kept looking round and shaking their heads ,laughing. I was so pleased I had helped them.
The judge chappy wasn't too friendly though: I said 'How do your Highness' when he walked in and said Good Morning-I thought he was talking to me. Lord above Alex, he growled at me like a bitch with whelps. Police chaps must have thought he was a funny old buzzard too 'cos they were struggling not to laugh...really jolly these police folk.
He asked me if I had legal advice and I said-very proudly-'Yes your Eminence, Mr NeilinLeeds' He asked if he was recognised by the Bar...I was a bit stuck there. I said that I knew he was, but not knowing Leeds, I wasn't sure which one, or indeed the Landlord's name. Police chaps had some sort of coughing attack then, which didn't please the judge chap. They read out some stuff-I got bored a bit, and the wood in the dock was beautiful-really nice chippying Alex. So, I bent down over the front to have a look at the joints..... and all Hell broke lose! Police chaps shouted 'runner!!' and dragged me back in and to the floor. They put handcuffs on me Alex-'no need for that gaffer'-I says, 'I was just lookin' at the joins an'such' Didn't listen though. Judge chap was banging his hammer thing-reminded me of Smarmy Simon the auctioneer at the local mart.....'Goin' once, goin'twice,' I shouts-couldn't help it Alex, just sort of slipped out. OOOOh ,he did give me such a look! Anyway, it all settled down and they babbled on for ages. To be honest, I fell asleep, I haven't had much kip since I set off for Wiggin. When I woke up, the judge fellah was shouting at me-something about 'contempt' 'Sorry, your Holiness', I says. Then he says, 'do you enjoy getting into mischief'. Well, that right got me mad!! 'Lyin' bugger' says I, 'she's a real good friend o' mine and I don't think of her like that!! Besides, she's a MODERATOR!! (If you see Missy, tell her about these rumours will you). Well, that softened his cough, I can tell you, he just sort of stared at me, open mouthed.
After he calmed down he asked me if I had 'reports' to present...'Bugger me, your Saintliness', I says,''fraid I bunked off school so much to look after the farm that they forgot I was there...never did get any reports'.'Character references?' he shouts. 'Oh, by jimminy yes, says I ,'I'm sure that Mark would speak for me'
'Who's he' says judge
'Boss of the Site!'
'Building site?'
'No , Swinging site...and he's The Black Dalek!!'
Well, Alex, you've never heard so much coughing, spluttering and such in all your born days.
'Oh', I says, ' I know Will too, writes plays and stuff, and is really clever'
'Shakespeare?' he said sort of wearily.
'That's the chap' I said, pleased that he knew old Will.
'Enough', he says, 'enough. I'm remanding you for appearance at Crown Court. Is there anyone to stand your bail?'
'Oooh, Alex, that fair puzzled me..as you know, Granny saves all my wages for me in Grandad's old pillow (says it's for my 'bottom drawer'). BUT, sudden brainwave...
'Yes' I shouts, 'Mr Dave J , he's a mate and he's really wealthy cos he's from somewhere called 'The South' and has a German car with a roof that doesn't close and he's just been on holiday'
'Really', he says,' and where might we find this 'Gentleman?'
'Oh, can't miss Dave J, your Munificence', I says, 'stands with his head up his arse and has pet unicorns'
You know Alex, I think that judge fellah isn't a well man...he went crimson!! Shouted, bawled ,banged his hammer thing.....
So, here I am, in prison.
Bugger me Alex, I wish you hadn't got to 3000 posts!!
Hope you are well. I just thought I'd say hello and let you know how the court case went.
Well, I've never been to court before so I didn't know what to expect. It started fairly well, the police chaps were very friendly -they seemed to be smiling and chuckling all the time. I said to the Sargeant chap,'You must love your work?'. He said that it was people like me that made some days more memorable than others....now wasn't that nice of him
He laughed even more when I gave him the nail file you must have accidentally dropped in the (lovely) cake you sent....(you know Alex, you really should be more careful, that could have damaged my teeth).Anyway, breakfast was nice-porridge, my favourite. They took me to the court in an old van thing...guess what..it broke down. They laughed ever such a lot when I offered to mend it...simple really, just an airlock in the lift pump-just like my old Land Rover. I soon had us underway again. They kept looking round and shaking their heads ,laughing. I was so pleased I had helped them.
The judge chappy wasn't too friendly though: I said 'How do your Highness' when he walked in and said Good Morning-I thought he was talking to me. Lord above Alex, he growled at me like a bitch with whelps. Police chaps must have thought he was a funny old buzzard too 'cos they were struggling not to laugh...really jolly these police folk.
He asked me if I had legal advice and I said-very proudly-'Yes your Eminence, Mr NeilinLeeds' He asked if he was recognised by the Bar...I was a bit stuck there. I said that I knew he was, but not knowing Leeds, I wasn't sure which one, or indeed the Landlord's name. Police chaps had some sort of coughing attack then, which didn't please the judge chap. They read out some stuff-I got bored a bit, and the wood in the dock was beautiful-really nice chippying Alex. So, I bent down over the front to have a look at the joints..... and all Hell broke lose! Police chaps shouted 'runner!!' and dragged me back in and to the floor. They put handcuffs on me Alex-'no need for that gaffer'-I says, 'I was just lookin' at the joins an'such' Didn't listen though. Judge chap was banging his hammer thing-reminded me of Smarmy Simon the auctioneer at the local mart.....'Goin' once, goin'twice,' I shouts-couldn't help it Alex, just sort of slipped out. OOOOh ,he did give me such a look! Anyway, it all settled down and they babbled on for ages. To be honest, I fell asleep, I haven't had much kip since I set off for Wiggin. When I woke up, the judge fellah was shouting at me-something about 'contempt' 'Sorry, your Holiness', I says. Then he says, 'do you enjoy getting into mischief'. Well, that right got me mad!! 'Lyin' bugger' says I, 'she's a real good friend o' mine and I don't think of her like that!! Besides, she's a MODERATOR!! (If you see Missy, tell her about these rumours will you). Well, that softened his cough, I can tell you, he just sort of stared at me, open mouthed.
After he calmed down he asked me if I had 'reports' to present...'Bugger me, your Saintliness', I says,''fraid I bunked off school so much to look after the farm that they forgot I was there...never did get any reports'.'Character references?' he shouts. 'Oh, by jimminy yes, says I ,'I'm sure that Mark would speak for me'
'Who's he' says judge
'Boss of the Site!'
'Building site?'
'No , Swinging site...and he's The Black Dalek!!'
Well, Alex, you've never heard so much coughing, spluttering and such in all your born days.
'Oh', I says, ' I know Will too, writes plays and stuff, and is really clever'
'Shakespeare?' he said sort of wearily.
'That's the chap' I said, pleased that he knew old Will.
'Enough', he says, 'enough. I'm remanding you for appearance at Crown Court. Is there anyone to stand your bail?'
'Oooh, Alex, that fair puzzled me..as you know, Granny saves all my wages for me in Grandad's old pillow (says it's for my 'bottom drawer'). BUT, sudden brainwave...
'Yes' I shouts, 'Mr Dave J , he's a mate and he's really wealthy cos he's from somewhere called 'The South' and has a German car with a roof that doesn't close and he's just been on holiday'
'Really', he says,' and where might we find this 'Gentleman?'
'Oh, can't miss Dave J, your Munificence', I says, 'stands with his head up his arse and has pet unicorns'
You know Alex, I think that judge fellah isn't a well man...he went crimson!! Shouted, bawled ,banged his hammer thing.....
So, here I am, in prison.
Bugger me Alex, I wish you hadn't got to 3000 posts!!
Dear Alex,
I'm very well thankyou: the hard bed seems to suit my back...and, I'm managing to speak quite easily to my hosts.( I used to watch 'The Bill'.) I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin yesterday, never been there before. Unfortunately, the trip home wasn't so good. I'm afraid the old Landy objected at being thrashed at 45 mph to escape the bobbies and died on the M6. I always assumed vehicles died on the hard shoulder, but, not Landy's apparently. Still, the outside lane wasn't too busy really, well, only one wagon hit me from behind, I felt like telling him off for being in the outside lane-against the law don't y'know!! Anyway, I digress, the crash itself wasn't the problem: the impact dislodged a half skinned deer in the back which shot forwards and attached itself to my head. I couldn't see a damned thing. It appears that the shunt also tipped up the ferret box and Jilly, Pippa and Stan escaped. Being a bit hungry ,they spotted what they thought was a bit of venison going cheap and attacked. What a todoo! I staggered out of the cab and tried to shake the deer and the ferrets off. Still being in my 'costume' I was somewhat restricted and strayed , inadvertently , into the middle lane. I didn't hear the screech of brakes, but do remember a lot of bad language and dogs barking. I was totally blind as the ruddy deer's carcase was completely wedged, and my 'costume' had fallen down to my ankles. I heard a dog barking and dropped my head to see if I could free it; how was I to know the flaming prize Poodle chose that moment to attack!! Apparently the antlers hooked him up like a country lad on a tart's suspender. His owner got so mad that he attempted to punch me,or rather, he actually delivered a right cross straight down the deer's throat, and his arm got jammed . His wife tried to interject but the ferrets took exception to their meal being disturbed and Jilly 'locked on' to her right ear.
So, when the Police arrived they were greeted by the spectacle of a half naked man , 'in his costume', with a deer on his head, underwear around his ankles,a dead poodle impaled on the antlers, ferrets now feasting on the poodle, a blood soaked man with his arm jammed down the deer's throat, clutching hold of a woman who was trying to kill a ferret which was now attached to the man's neck. Nothing too unusual I suppose.
So, I'm up in court tomorrow(it would have been today but they can't decide just what to charge me with. They aren't sure if it's connected with motoring, cruelty to animals, or dressing in a manner likely to compromise National security...my 'costume').
Anyway, the REALLY bad news is that the 'costume ' got messed up. Damn. I so wanted you to see it.
Anyway, I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin.
Love
PS My lawyer chap suggests I tell them that my parents forced me to watch 'The Wicker Man' for days on end. What is he on about?
I'm very well thankyou: the hard bed seems to suit my back...and, I'm managing to speak quite easily to my hosts.( I used to watch 'The Bill'.) I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin yesterday, never been there before. Unfortunately, the trip home wasn't so good. I'm afraid the old Landy objected at being thrashed at 45 mph to escape the bobbies and died on the M6. I always assumed vehicles died on the hard shoulder, but, not Landy's apparently. Still, the outside lane wasn't too busy really, well, only one wagon hit me from behind, I felt like telling him off for being in the outside lane-against the law don't y'know!! Anyway, I digress, the crash itself wasn't the problem: the impact dislodged a half skinned deer in the back which shot forwards and attached itself to my head. I couldn't see a damned thing. It appears that the shunt also tipped up the ferret box and Jilly, Pippa and Stan escaped. Being a bit hungry ,they spotted what they thought was a bit of venison going cheap and attacked. What a todoo! I staggered out of the cab and tried to shake the deer and the ferrets off. Still being in my 'costume' I was somewhat restricted and strayed , inadvertently , into the middle lane. I didn't hear the screech of brakes, but do remember a lot of bad language and dogs barking. I was totally blind as the ruddy deer's carcase was completely wedged, and my 'costume' had fallen down to my ankles. I heard a dog barking and dropped my head to see if I could free it; how was I to know the flaming prize Poodle chose that moment to attack!! Apparently the antlers hooked him up like a country lad on a tart's suspender. His owner got so mad that he attempted to punch me,or rather, he actually delivered a right cross straight down the deer's throat, and his arm got jammed . His wife tried to interject but the ferrets took exception to their meal being disturbed and Jilly 'locked on' to her right ear.
So, when the Police arrived they were greeted by the spectacle of a half naked man , 'in his costume', with a deer on his head, underwear around his ankles,a dead poodle impaled on the antlers, ferrets now feasting on the poodle, a blood soaked man with his arm jammed down the deer's throat, clutching hold of a woman who was trying to kill a ferret which was now attached to the man's neck. Nothing too unusual I suppose.
So, I'm up in court tomorrow(it would have been today but they can't decide just what to charge me with. They aren't sure if it's connected with motoring, cruelty to animals, or dressing in a manner likely to compromise National security...my 'costume').
Anyway, the REALLY bad news is that the 'costume ' got messed up. Damn. I so wanted you to see it.
Anyway, I enjoyed my trip to Wiggin.
Love
PS My lawyer chap suggests I tell them that my parents forced me to watch 'The Wicker Man' for days on end. What is he on about?
Oi Alex, I'm frozen...let me in!!! LET ME IN......Didn't you get my PM 
I calculated the time to get to Wiggin, put the old Land Drover in overdrive, made sure my overcoat was hiding my 'costume', ran outside your bedroom window, counted down the seconds on dad's old fob-watch, 2998 posts,...2,999posts....BINGO!!! and , and I REVEALED MY BIG SUPRISE!!!!!!! :D Specially for you my proud beauty.....and I waited for you to come and look...I saw the flickering light from your screen....I waited some more-a bit cold by now, but still smiling...she'll be down in a jiff I thought......still smiling.....copper kept driving up and down..thought he was going to arrest me but he was just bringing his mates round for a laugh.....your neighbour's dog peed on my naked leg-twice...I bought seven big issues from this guy who knew he had a captive audience....two little sods kept coming back for 'trick or treat' (well, what could I do standing on one leg, flower between teeth...with my costume on!!!)
Anyway, I confess my smile is drooping now...as is my 'costume'....now you'll never know what I'd prepared for you........I may as well go home now...oh Lord, the Landy is out of diesel.....I'm so cold...perhaps I'll put the 'costume 'away for your 4000th (will it keep two days??) ...no, it's too dangerous to keep it ...I'll have to bury it in concrete or something...don't want MI5 on my case...I'm so sad now Alex...I thought you were my 'special' friend... that's what you told my nurse.....I'm going now Alex....have fun...I expect I will too...maybe....one day....not today though.....I'm very sad now Alex.....I think I feel a turn coming on......no, must be brave soldier.........
...you would have loved my 'costume' Alex.... :cry: :cry: :cry:
I calculated the time to get to Wiggin, put the old Land Drover in overdrive, made sure my overcoat was hiding my 'costume', ran outside your bedroom window, counted down the seconds on dad's old fob-watch, 2998 posts,...2,999posts....BINGO!!! and , and I REVEALED MY BIG SUPRISE!!!!!!! :D Specially for you my proud beauty.....and I waited for you to come and look...I saw the flickering light from your screen....I waited some more-a bit cold by now, but still smiling...she'll be down in a jiff I thought......still smiling.....copper kept driving up and down..thought he was going to arrest me but he was just bringing his mates round for a laugh.....your neighbour's dog peed on my naked leg-twice...I bought seven big issues from this guy who knew he had a captive audience....two little sods kept coming back for 'trick or treat' (well, what could I do standing on one leg, flower between teeth...with my costume on!!!)Anyway, I confess my smile is drooping now...as is my 'costume'....now you'll never know what I'd prepared for you........I may as well go home now...oh Lord, the Landy is out of diesel.....I'm so cold...perhaps I'll put the 'costume 'away for your 4000th (will it keep two days??) ...no, it's too dangerous to keep it ...I'll have to bury it in concrete or something...don't want MI5 on my case...I'm so sad now Alex...I thought you were my 'special' friend... that's what you told my nurse.....I'm going now Alex....have fun...I expect I will too...maybe....one day....not today though.....I'm very sad now Alex.....I think I feel a turn coming on......no, must be brave soldier.........
...you would have loved my 'costume' Alex.... :cry: :cry: :cry:
Songs:
'Who Knows Where The Time Goes'-Sandy Denny
'All The Time in The World'-Louis Armstrong
'Spem in Alum'-Thomas Tallis
(tomorrow it would probably be a different three)
Album:
Eden Roc-Ludovico Einaudi
Film:
Once Upon a Time in The West
Person:
(Apart from my family)
Primo Levi
Plus, couldn't live without books:
'A Shropshire Lad'--Housman
'Who Knows Where The Time Goes'-Sandy Denny
'All The Time in The World'-Louis Armstrong
'Spem in Alum'-Thomas Tallis
(tomorrow it would probably be a different three)
Album:
Eden Roc-Ludovico Einaudi
Film:
Once Upon a Time in The West
Person:
(Apart from my family)
Primo Levi
Plus, couldn't live without books:
'A Shropshire Lad'--Housman
I would ban them, except for licensed displays (which I don't like anyway-quicker to set fire to a wad of 20 quid notes and be done with it-less noise)
I'm sure that if you asked the firemen, paramedics, police officers etc that deal with the resultant carnage-they would agree.
I'd also ban bonfires, trick-or-treat, and hot-air balloons landing where the hell they want (like in the middle of terrified livestock)
Agricola Meldrew
Miserable bugger of this parish
I'm sure that if you asked the firemen, paramedics, police officers etc that deal with the resultant carnage-they would agree.
I'd also ban bonfires, trick-or-treat, and hot-air balloons landing where the hell they want (like in the middle of terrified livestock)
Agricola Meldrew
Miserable bugger of this parish
Oi, what's this: I've just crawlwd off my sick bed (and it is very sick) to type some instructions to Neil for getting to Shrewsbury Station! What's this-he's gone!! But he's a delicate soul, he needs fresh air, exercise, good food (once per week)....the country life was waiting for him. Bugger me with a starting handle-he's been whipped from under me nose ( will he be whipped some more I wonder?)
Look Blue, I know you topped my (magnificent ) bid, but I'm willing to do a private deal: you can have mybeloved, my precious, my darling little Jilly-the best ferret that ever ate bread and milk!! (just don't let her near your pet rat
). Just let Neil come to Uncle Agricola...where he belongs, where his dear little heart and soul will be nourished....
A
PS If you can't, do you want to buy the spade, cement mixer, decorating equipment, hardcore, bricks, timber etc that I had bought , just to keep dear Neil 'occupied' during his stay???
Look Blue, I know you topped my (magnificent ) bid, but I'm willing to do a private deal: you can have mybeloved, my precious, my darling little Jilly-the best ferret that ever ate bread and milk!! (just don't let her near your pet rat
). Just let Neil come to Uncle Agricola...where he belongs, where his dear little heart and soul will be nourished....A
PS If you can't, do you want to buy the spade, cement mixer, decorating equipment, hardcore, bricks, timber etc that I had bought , just to keep dear Neil 'occupied' during his stay???
Quote by MISSCHIEF
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! It can't be happening!!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
We've only just got the jacuzzi to not resemble a sheep dip from the last fiasco :shock:
Now Agricola, we don't mind you coming in here at all ....... but you gotta get a grip on them animals!!!!! :jagsatwork: By the time you've stripped for the jacuzzi ie. managed to sort out the double knot on the bit of string round yer waist, the animals have run riot and crapped everywhere!!!!
Can't you maybe get a bit of new string?One that's not so frayed and a bit easier to undo?
Missy, how did you know I've got baler string tied round my waste? Stinking Bogweed ,you must be psychic!! My cousin Arthur told me , many moons ago, that he had found an 'El-Dorado', where he could practice his fly casting, dip his sheep, wash his dog, and all the time be attended by sirens of beauty and munificence, such as a poor country lad had never seen. I never believed him-mainly on account of the fact he was a lying old git-but my discovery of this little oasis has causes me to reconsider. You know, it's fast approaching 'bath-month': if I was to lock my furry friends outside, would anyone accompany me into this bubbling water?? (last time I saw water bubble like that was when 'Sweaty Betty' took to the local duck pond on New Year's Eve)
Eh up Neil (see, making you feel at home my friend),,,,'appen as you'll accept my bid-overly generous as it is-to come and work for me down in Shrophire. Ignore those individuals offering you sexual rewards, it'll only bring you grief. Remember,I can offer you fresh air, honest toil (well, toil, honest), and payment at least once a year (leap year -if you want to be picky). You'll learn lots of skills, vital to the National Economy(feeding pigs,grooming ferrets, digging vegeatable plots, wallpapering farmhouses, wheelbarrow piloting..etc) So, gird your loins my bonny lad, you'll thank me one day. So, pack your suitcase and I'll meet you at Shrewsbury Station.....may I suggest you soak your hands in brine for several days afore ye come....blisters can be so annoying
oops. seem to have wandered in here by mistake. But, seems strangely familiar?? What is this place? My ferrets are getting all excited....heloo...ooooooo!!! No, nobody here. Strange sense of 'deja vu'.....maybe I'l just rest in this little jacuzzi....warm away the pain of the day.......come on dogs, ferrets, sheep,... jump in , nobody will mind....
Quote by Alexandra
Cheers Easy: I am as keen as Hell, if not as skilled. I love the game-addicted-and have already seen a few things I want to buy. Thanks again
Already played round or two with site members: always open to offers of a game . Lovely little course down here-only 9 holes-but beautiful. Come and visit.
Not very good (26 h'cap) but happy to scare a bit of wildlife...
A
Agricola
You will be doing this in daylight next time won't you?
Pah! daylight is for wimps!! 'Night Golf' is the new thing!! Beats paintballing hands down. I'm improving too
have now learned to spot the Snipe flying in in dying light and launch a six-iron at 'em!! Come on Tiger Woods, you try that!! And, I've become a dab-hand at lobbing the rats as they emerge from their burrows. It may seem a waste of a Titleist Pro V1, but I love to see 'em scarper as the little white ball drops in from 'Angels One-Five'. Best of all is to wait until the snotty (townie) neighbours arrive home after one of their 'social events' and blast a five -iron into their 'nursery grown Acers', just as they get out of their Merc SLK!! Frightens the buggery out of them.Simple pleasures .
A
Cheers Easy: I am as keen as Hell, if not as skilled. I love the game-addicted-and have already seen a few things I want to buy. Thanks again
Already played round or two with site members: always open to offers of a game . Lovely little course down here-only 9 holes-but beautiful. Come and visit.
Not very good (26 h'cap) but happy to scare a bit of wildlife...
A
Already played round or two with site members: always open to offers of a game . Lovely little course down here-only 9 holes-but beautiful. Come and visit.
Not very good (26 h'cap) but happy to scare a bit of wildlife...
A
Quote by Kinky Lizard
The telephone number of 'Sweaty Betty' at the Bull and Dog...
Jigger me with a muck-fork Kinky. wow!! Where did you get that...see what I mean, old Betty scrubs up really well!! Does it say , wherever you got that, about her trick with the baby pig?? Famous for that she is.
As for the candle-that's actually one of those smelly jobbies, you know, to scent the air. I think it's the trick with the piglet that causes the aroma that seems to follow our Betty around (keeps the flies away from the rest of the village mind...)
Listen, I've just cottoned on: have you noticed how a certain southern businessman-let's call him Dave J for the sake of his anonymity-seems to be encouraging a bit of a bidding war? I smell a con!! Listen: stop bidding, let's agree a price , not bid against each other, and work out a rota to share Neil out between ourselves. Don't know why I didn't see it sooner.
So, keep the Goldfish to yourselves: I agree with Jas-let's stick at one bubble and a fin. Any advance?....nope, right, auctioneer, your move methinks
So, keep the Goldfish to yourselves: I agree with Jas-let's stick at one bubble and a fin. Any advance?....nope, right, auctioneer, your move methinks
I have always been of the opinion, as stated above, that the further north one travels, the more beautiful the ladies: I bring to mind some of the lovely girls I've known in the North -East, comely Cumbrian beauties, spirited and bonny Scots girls...
..so, there I was, happy in this theory...
...then I saw Bjork!!
..so, there I was, happy in this theory...
...then I saw Bjork!!
I notice that he is a dab-hand at wallpapering: as I hate decortaing, DIY, in fact anything to do with 'housey' stuff , with a passion that is only exceeded by my hatred of being inside all day, I have scoured the estate to see what I can bid for this fine chap.
So, I am proud to offer:
1 ferret collar (broken)
I air rifle (broken)
20 .410 shotgun cartridges
1 brace pheasant (bit niffy, but, probably ok)
1 antique hay-knife (broken-but still antique)
3 bags dog-food (ignore 'sell-by' date: printing error)
3 bags of home grown spuds (variety: Nicola)
As much celery as you can pick
1 load of well rotted manure for your garden (small delivery fee)
1 set left handed golf clubs -unwanted present (I'm chuffing right handed, what were the daft wassochs thinking of)
The telephone number of 'Sweaty Betty' at the Bull and Dog...
...I think this should be a reasonable bid????
Better get your overalls on Neil m'lad; thee's Shropshire bound.
So, I am proud to offer:
1 ferret collar (broken)
I air rifle (broken)
20 .410 shotgun cartridges
1 brace pheasant (bit niffy, but, probably ok)
1 antique hay-knife (broken-but still antique)
3 bags dog-food (ignore 'sell-by' date: printing error)
3 bags of home grown spuds (variety: Nicola)
As much celery as you can pick
1 load of well rotted manure for your garden (small delivery fee)
1 set left handed golf clubs -unwanted present (I'm chuffing right handed, what were the daft wassochs thinking of)
The telephone number of 'Sweaty Betty' at the Bull and Dog...
...I think this should be a reasonable bid????
Better get your overalls on Neil m'lad; thee's Shropshire bound.
Seeing how Warwick has lost his, I've (obviously) never been remotely connected with mine, and Dave J is busy looking up the word in the dictionary, I am rather worried. Add to this the fact there are more plotless beings on SH than in a an episode of Neighbours, we may well need to call in help.
What on earth would happen if Warwick's plot were to meet up with,say, Bilko's plot and breed little plots!! All these lost plots could well be soon breeding like rabbits Just think, all those mutant beasties wandering around the world uncontrolled. There would be thousands of uncontrolled feral plots waiting around corners for passers by. Blimey, we may well need 'Sky Captain' to rescue us from an invasion of mutants with evil intent.
We must stop this happening.
Could the Mods insist that all members are issued with strong chains to ensure their plots do not get lost; also, all plots should be registered/ handed into reception for safe keeping when leaving the Forum. It may well be wise to get somebody competent, say Mark, to devise some teccy stuff thatwill copy/ back up our plots, just in case we should lose them.
That should solve the problem...
..except of course NeilinLeeds? mmm, might need to think about that one......
What on earth would happen if Warwick's plot were to meet up with,say, Bilko's plot and breed little plots!! All these lost plots could well be soon breeding like rabbits Just think, all those mutant beasties wandering around the world uncontrolled. There would be thousands of uncontrolled feral plots waiting around corners for passers by. Blimey, we may well need 'Sky Captain' to rescue us from an invasion of mutants with evil intent.
We must stop this happening.
Could the Mods insist that all members are issued with strong chains to ensure their plots do not get lost; also, all plots should be registered/ handed into reception for safe keeping when leaving the Forum. It may well be wise to get somebody competent, say Mark, to devise some teccy stuff thatwill copy/ back up our plots, just in case we should lose them.
That should solve the problem...
..except of course NeilinLeeds? mmm, might need to think about that one......
Quote by davej
I always start the day with tea-couldn't bear anything are fortunate to have an excellent Tea /Coffee merchant in the county town that will mix you up a blend of tea to your own specification. I enjoy trying new types/blends. I don't however like tea-bags much. I do like coffee-decent , fresh ground Arabica-but one cup per day is enough for me if I am not to end up twitching like a frog that swallowed a battery. Really affects me. I can't stand instant coffee and go puce at the mere thought of Camp Coffee. I drink tea all day, but in the evening I prefer GreenTea, especially Jasmine Tea, and always have a Chamomile Tea before beddy-bies.
Boring fart really.
.........and then you tip it into the saucer and slurp it?
Of course I don't tip it into the saucer Mr J!! What do you take we country people for...ignorant? Usual stereotypical statement from a townie....pah....I wait until I've finished my porridge and then tip it in the saucepan. It mixes well with the honey and means all the cats and dogs can get round to have a good old slurp as well.
By the way: what's a saucer?
I vote for Biggles....what, what do you mean he wasn't real...course he was. Ginger, Algy and he defeated The Hun single (well, triple) they flew Camels! (No mean feat in itself: have you ever tried to get one to walk??)
On a serious note, thanks to Easy for the link to the battle of Britain 'Roll of Honour': I read it spellbound. It put my little sniffly cold, mortgage worries and workload in perspective. Well done Easy
On a serious note, thanks to Easy for the link to the battle of Britain 'Roll of Honour': I read it spellbound. It put my little sniffly cold, mortgage worries and workload in perspective. Well done Easy
Quote by Gryphon
Ah, it's good to see the Cafe get back to form - it's been getting a little dull of late!
Now, who's for a drink...?!
:scared:
(dons tim hat and takes cover...)
yep, I found the Cafe to be really, really dull; however, now that Agricola Junior has shown me how to turn up the brightness on the monitor, all is well again
I always start the day with tea-couldn't bear anything are fortunate to have an excellent Tea /Coffee merchant in the county town that will mix you up a blend of tea to your own specification. I enjoy trying new types/blends. I don't however like tea-bags much. I do like coffee-decent , fresh ground Arabica-but one cup per day is enough for me if I am not to end up twitching like a frog that swallowed a battery. Really affects me. I can't stand instant coffee and go puce at the mere thought of Camp Coffee. I drink tea all day, but in the evening I prefer GreenTea, especially Jasmine Tea, and always have a Chamomile Tea before beddy-bies.
Boring fart really.
We could have a 'Swingometer', just like old Peter Snow on election night. Might be appropriate?
Never mind JQL, Polls are like buses...you don't see one for , ooh, five minutes and then 250 arrive at once.
Anyway, freedom for all, let the people have their polls: I know that a lot of people enjoy them...
(I'm just sulking because everyone voted against cider...Philistines)
Never mind JQL, Polls are like buses...you don't see one for , ooh, five minutes and then 250 arrive at once.
Anyway, freedom for all, let the people have their polls: I know that a lot of people enjoy them...
(I'm just sulking because everyone voted against cider...Philistines)
Not much on polls myself: I'm usually in a minority of one on any subject so it merely makes me feel more ostracised than I did before :cry:
but, how about limiting them by , say. a POLL TAX!!
yep, that's got a ring to it...must be a winner... recommend it to the House...should be a riot...not been tried before ...has it???
but, how about limiting them by , say. a POLL TAX!!
yep, that's got a ring to it...must be a winner... recommend it to the House...should be a riot...not been tried before ...has it???
Handy yokel tips no. 3:
If you need to examine a large sheep and are struggling to cope-I don't need to know why, your peccadillos are your own concern!!-grasp the beast's mouth in one hand , and rump in the other, and push the two towards the middle. Even the biggest 15 stone ram will fold up and sit quietly on his backside.
Handy yokel tips no.4:
Are your vegeatables and flowers getting devoured by aphids? Old fashioned soft-soap, mixed 80: 20 with warm water , will make a powerful and quite benign insecticide. Just remember not to spray before dusk so as to ensure that friendly bees, lacewings and ladybirds are not harmed.
If you need to examine a large sheep and are struggling to cope-I don't need to know why, your peccadillos are your own concern!!-grasp the beast's mouth in one hand , and rump in the other, and push the two towards the middle. Even the biggest 15 stone ram will fold up and sit quietly on his backside.
Handy yokel tips no.4:
Are your vegeatables and flowers getting devoured by aphids? Old fashioned soft-soap, mixed 80: 20 with warm water , will make a powerful and quite benign insecticide. Just remember not to spray before dusk so as to ensure that friendly bees, lacewings and ladybirds are not harmed.
